By Simon Egbo
Found in early February this year, my wife was having an affair with a former good friend. We were so close to this family. My wife and my ex-friend’s wife were even closer. Once things came out and they got caught, essentially with their pants down, things obviously came to light.
My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. We both agreed and are committed to addressing the issues that lead us to this affair.
The hard part is that I found and read the detailed messages of what exactly went on and what kills me most is that it went on for about a month and also a lot of deceit went on.
For example, I was set up to get drunk on my birthday, so they could hook up. All planned by this ex-friend. He used our relationship issues and when my wife and I were fighting at his house and when his wife and family went to sleep, he made a move on my wife and it went from there.
I am trying my best to get beyond this, is that we have two kids and want this to work out, but the mental images are killing me and bringing me down. Day by day, it gets better, but it is very hard to deal with, given all this hurt and the disgusting things I am now aware of that went on.
We currently are better in our relationship than we ever had been and love is newly born again, but given the situation and all the hurt, I find it difficult to get past it at times.
My wife has and is doing everything possible. We are both clear we want to repair what has been done, and clearly, she is willing and able to do anything I need to make it right, as much as she can and for me to allow, of course.
I have been to counseling a few times, but I really don’t feel it helps. I think I need to get on with this on my own by being realistic and truthful with my wife and myself.
We are clearly better than we were prior to the extramarital affair, but definitely not the way I wanted to repair a relationship.
I am very insecure at times and can get into a bad mood real quick when this consumes my mental thoughts.
Wow! Two to five years of recovery. I get it may differ between each individual and of course, what you make and do with that time is what really counts. But I am trying, as 15 years invested in a relationship will not be thrown away after a big and hurtful mistake.
I am not perfect either, but it would be unfair to end this relationship where both people want to resolve it and move on. My wife has been nothing but honest this whole time in our relationship until this point, which is clearly an icebreaker and very severe.
I called this so-called friend of mine to express my feelings and how messed up this is. That really did not do it for me, but it is what it is. I guess, just focusing on my family and me.
Hey and just to be clear, I am not blaming him 100 per cent. I understand it takes two to tango, but reviewing this at a normal and broader view and knowing how this guy is, as a person who thinks before he does anything and his plan fell right into his lap.
I feel he is a guy people would call an “opportunist” who will take advantage of a situation for personal gain, as he initiated this by sending her improper texts and my wife scoffed it off and replied, “you are drunk, go to bed and your family is too important. Go to bed.”
Fast forward to the night after my wife and I got into an argument at his house and where he told me to go home and let her sleep it off here and come back tomorrow; hence they were drinking heavily and his wife was sleeping.
Nonetheless, he planned it out and based on the text messages I saw and read (full details), he kept initiating it and masterminded plans to ensure privacy.
Knowing my wife’s character as I know her best, she has been nothing but 100 per cent honest until this point. My wife has always been against this sort of topic and it is very out of character for her to do this.
However, I myself not being 100 per cent innocent can sort of understand how one could get caught up in this type of situation, as this occurred multiple times after the first occurrences.
That also being said, did we have underlying issues? Sure! Could things have been worse? Yeah! Could they have been better, absolutely? The relationship is better than ever, but still, she has paid from the events that occurred. Guess time will tell.
Just to add that she said there is no contact with the person and the other wife knows. She is doing anything and everything and is 100 per cent remorseful.
Again I am not perfect, far from it, and have lied about things I am not proud of and got caught. We got into an argument where I lied and she was drinking and got very emotional. When she was down and upset with me, he moved in on her and she clearly responded to the advances made.